Confession #12

I, Nigel Penisbrain Hollingsworth, being of small brain and balls, do hereby proclaim this confession, my 12th in an infinite series of sordid confessions, one of the worst things I have done to family, friends, and This Great Earth. For this and all sins past, present and future, I humbly apologize:

Confession #12: This past weekend I went on a "masturbation lost weekend," A.K.A. an "all weekend jerk binge," where I did nothing but seek out and exploit every room I have ever known to practice onanism, A.K.A. spanking my monkey, for the sole purpose of self-gratification.

Worse yet, after eating an entire bag of Funyuns, I jacked off a fetid load of sperm all over Grandmother Hollingsworth's plastic covered counches in their family room, for the sole purpose of hoping that the bio-back-spatter created by the force of the ejaculation on a frictionless object would cause a "sperm spray" the likes of which are not usually seen outside of Shamu splashing down in a Sea World pool.

I add that I am especially sorry not to have cleaned it up, as Grandpa Hollingsworth, whose eyesight is not very good, sat down in the sloppy mess while he watched his favorite television show, "Flavor of Love 2."

I'm really, really sorry about this.

Confession #11

I, Nigel Penisbrain Hollingsworth, who do loves the smell of formaldehyde, sincerely and without reservation admit and repent my latest sin.

Sin #11: Sunday night, while the local high school was on summer break, I entered into the biology lab, took out a selection of beautiful frogs from the jars of formaldehyde, pinned them to the trays provided for dissection, dropped my drawers, and furiously masturbated while staring at the frogs.

For the sin of "jerkin' off to the froggies" and all other sins past, present, and future, I humbly apologize.

Confession #10

I, Nigel Penisbrain Hollingsworth, who does love to suck on Aunt Francine's bitter tasting toes, and being of sound mind and body, have another sin to confess:

Sin #10 I purchased a large bottle of penis enlargement pills and, in a fit of pique, and a desire for my penis to grow to at least a 1/2 inch, I swallowed the entire bottle at once. Thus, I overdosed on penis enlargement pills and had to have my stomach pumped.

addendum: My penis did not grow, but my stomach is now twice the size it was.

CONFESSIONS #8 and #9

I, Nigel Penisbrain Hollingsworth, being of sound mind and body, have two more startling confessions to make:

Sin #8: I broke the lock on my dear sister's dresser-drawers for the sole purpose of releasing a stinging, soggy wad of sperm into her under-garments.

Sin #9: The reason the cat is dying is because I abuse it anally.

For these and all sins past, present, and future, I duly apologize.

CONFESSION #7

I, Nigel Penisbrain Hollingsworth, have a confession to make:

Sin #7: I wasn't potty trained until I was 13.

CONFESSIONS #4 through 6

Hello. This is Nigel Hollingsworth, once again. I am here to confess my many, many sins.

Sin #4: Once agin, I lied about masturbating in my sister's undergarments.

Sin #5: I gave myself the middle name "Penisbrain" because I'm a little gay.

Sin #6: I stole money out of my Aunt Francine's purse to buy a copy of Playgirl.

CONFESSIONS #1 through 3

Hi. My name is Nigel Hollingsworth and I created this blog to confess my sins.

Sin#1 This morning I masturbated in my sister's undies.

Sin#2 I lied about it on an on-line post, saying that I didn't do it.

Sin#3 I like Aunt Francine's "bible study" sessions and I'm looking forward to going there this weekend.